


I had not thought we could die apart

by Bmxtthxw



Series: Time Loop AU [2]
Category: Black Friday - Team StarKid, The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals - Team StarKid
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Time Loop AU, the death isnt described
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:54:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23753413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bmxtthxw/pseuds/Bmxtthxw
Summary: A mission goes wrong. John's not told details and then he is and he wishes he hadn't been told
Relationships: Xander Lee/John McNamara
Series: Time Loop AU [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1711102
Comments: 6
Kudos: 17





	I had not thought we could die apart

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, so this is sad because I was kinda sad when I wrote it. The character death is not described though, merely mentioned. There is swearing but no more than is in canon.

Xander was the best damn field agent that PEIP had but that didn’t stop John from worrying whenever he had to go on missions. He was more than capable and John knew it, but he was on edge from the moment he left until the moment he was back. Xander never commented on it because he knew he was the same way when John was out dealing with things.

They kept things professional at work but everyone still knew the two were together. There were no surprises when John was sitting with what they all jokingly called the welcome committee despite him having his own reports he had to get done. The mission wasn’t done quite yet but it would be within the next couple hours so John stuck around. Midafternoon, they got a notification that complications had arisen but not many details came with the notification so they took it to mean that it wasn’t bad. John’s fidgeting with his ring got worse but no one commented. There was no need to raise the anxiety levels any more than they were.

The team got back an hour later than they said they would. Given the warning that something had gotten complicated out in the field, this was better than expected. There were quiet sounds of reunion between friends as agents walked into the base, but that quiet was noticeable. It could practically be felt. John kept his eyes on the door, waiting for Xander. He pretended he didn’t notice agents glancing his way. 

Usually, Xander was one of the first through the door, no matter how bad the mission went. It was just how things went. He wasn’t this time. John pretended that didn’t make him nervous. He pretended the quiet wasn’t suffocating. It took all the will power he had to stay put and wait, to stay put and not ask one of the incoming agents what had happened, to stay put and not ask about Xander. And then Colonel Schaeffer came in, the look on her face answering more questions than John wanted to ask. He was starting to believe there had been a reason they chose not to give him details. He kept his face carefully blank as he followed her to somewhere impossibly quieter. He waited until the door closed behind them to speak.

“Something happened to Xander.” He said, watching as she just nodded.

“I’m sorry, John, we tried to do what we could, but he stepped in the way so it would be him and not Benjamin, you know what kind of person Xander was, Ben’s always been a favorite, it’d kill him if something happened to the boy-”

“Was?” He hadn’t even heard the rest of the sentence, he didn’t care about the rest of the sentence, he just needed to know that he heard her wrong.

“John, I… I’m so sorry. I would have told you the minute it happened but you and Xander are my friends, I can’t do that over the phone…”

“Please tell me this is some elaborate prank that you got way too many of the kids in on.” Even as he said it, he knew that wasn’t the case. He knew they wouldn’t do that, not after the loops they had all suffered their way through, knew they wouldn’t even without the loops. None of them were cruel. He almost wished they were.

He didn’t notice he had started crying until he had arms wrapped around him, holding him tight. 

“Is Ben alright?” He said, deciding that switching subjects was better than thinking about it.

“As alright as he can be, given everything…”

John got sent home early that day. No one mentioned it. He ignored the agents glancing his way. He wasn’t about to break down again, not at the base. Not when the kids (they weren’t kids, he knew this, but he had picked up the habit from Xander) needed someone to be the strong one. There was no one to be strong for when he got home. He tried to deny this. He kept trying all the way up until just the sight of one of Xander’s jackets had him sobbing. It wasn’t even one of the ones he wore frequently but it was one that John had stolen often in the beginnings of their relationship.

“Why him?” He didn’t know who he was talking to but there had to be something out there that controlled fate, something that stuck him and Xander in time loops that had him repeating his death far longer than he wanted to remember, something that pulled him out of that only for him to lose his husband. “ _Why him_? Get tired of killing me off? Needed a new toy to fucking play with? Fuck you. Fuck all of this. He was good! _He was good_ , the agents- the kids, they loved him! _Ben_ loved him!” He had started shouting and distantly, he found himself thankful he didn’t live close enough for anyone to complain about the noise. “ _I_ love him! Why him?”

He kept shouting. He kept shouting until he ran out of things to shout and then shouted a little longer. He didn’t have a voice to shout with by the end but that didn’t deter him. All the anger dissolved into tears by the end, the same jacket that started it all held as close to his chest as he could manage. He heard the sound of knocking over the headache he had.

“Fuck off.” It was hardly a croak of words but he was in no mood to answer a door or be polite. He knew he should have been worried when his front door opened anyway but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

“John…” It was Schaeffer. He had no reason to be worried. “John, c’mon… Let’s get you to bed, it’s late.”

“Don’t… Don’t, I don’t want to, not there. Not tonight.” He didn’t want to be alone, not when the room was Xander’s as much as it was his. 

“Then sleep in the guest room. He’d make you go to bed too, you know that.” And it was a cheap card to play, but it worked and she was grateful for that, helping him up and to the bed. He didn’t voice the hope that the loop would reset itself in the morning. Didn’t need her worrying anymore than she was.

He didn’t voice the anger that came when he woke up the next morning to the guest room instead of Xander, to Schaeffer making coffee in the kitchen instead of his husband pretending to sleep longer to keep John in bed.

He kept quiet the whole morning.

“John, you don’t have to go to work today. You know everyone would understand.”

“They lost someone too. They’re still going so I am too.”

So he went to work, keeping all the anger and sadness that he had quiet and locked away. The kids needed him. Ben found him first, within minutes of John walking in. It wasn’t the first conversation he wanted to have that day (He didn’t want to have it at all,) but it was obvious that Ben needed it, no matter what he wanted.

“I’m sorry, Gener-” John put a hand up to stop him.

“Don’t, Ben. Don’t do that to yourself.” He could already see the poor boy’s guilt, it was clear it had been eating at him the whole night. He wasn’t even sure Ben had slept, though he doubted he looked much better. “I don’t blame you and you know Xander wouldn’t either.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t see it coming,” John didn’t interrupt him this time. He knew Ben felt like he had to say this, he wasn’t going to take whatever comfort it brought from him, “Xander pulled me out of the way, I should have paid more attention, I’m sorry.” 

He was pulled into a hug the moment tears became noticeable. John didn’t say anything when the tears became full on crying, just held on tighter. If anyone saw John crying too, they said nothing. If other agents came to John for hugs that day too, they said nothing. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! (Also, Ben is not a character from the show, he's my OC, i love him, he will probably show up in other stories)


End file.
